On Tuesday, I attended a toastmaster discussion group at Inti College (thanks for the invitation from Wei Khang). Toastmaster is a really interesting and formal club as the members and guests will sit and discuss about certain topics. Our topic of the day was: A blessing in Disguise.
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| Trying out Sze Chyi's new smartphone's camera and it looks pretty good |
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| From the left: Shereen, me, Sze Chyi and Hui Qin |
It was all pretty good, until the terrifying moment I discovered that everyone had to stand up and give a one minute speech on the topic. It was horrendous, disastrous and believe me or not, it was a catastrophe. I stood up, introduced myself, and started to get panic. I was staring blankly as I turned my eyes upon the crowd, sweating profusely. And I didn't know what to do. Basically I had a panic attack. So off I started mumbling about things that didn't have anything to do with "a blessing in disguise".
I started thinking then - what was wrong with me? I've had lots of experience of appealing myself in front of huge crowds, standing on the stage and presenting myself in front of so many people. What could I have probably be afraid of?
One of the guests from KL, Vaneeda, came up and presented her topic - "Megalophobia". Megalophobia, if you didn't know, is the fear towards huge objects. Yes, you might think it is funny, but most of us have phobias that couldn't be justified nor fathom. Vaneeda shared her personal experience with us - she cried when a clown approached her when she was little and how she shrunk back when she was watching the movie Pacific Rim when the Kaiju appeared.
At first, she didn't know that she was actually having a phobia towards huge objects. But all those incidents finally lead to the answer she had been searching for the whole time. And when she found out the root to her problem, the fear towards huge objects, she faced it bravely and shed off the cocoon.
The successful example has driven me to find out more about my fear. I ended up finding information about phobias on Google and I think I found what was mine. Perhaps for all these years, I have overlooked something. I am definitely not dreaded of speaking in public. In the scientific word - Glossophobia, they called it. The fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
The reason I don't think that that is my fear because I couldn't have gone through so many competitions - storytelling, choral speaking, reciting poems, public speaking and even debating for so many years without feeling that phobia taking over me. Fear of speaking in public only occur sometimes. The major question then floats on the surface - what is the root to my fear?
And that goes down to two phobias - Atelophobia and Panphobia.
Atelophobia - fear of not being good enough or imperfectionPanphobia - fear of everything or constant fear of an unknown cause
First, let us talk about Atelophobia. I am a perfectionist for sure, I know that. I can definitely see myself having Atelophobia because it has been going on for years now. Reminiscing my first year of attending secondary school, that was the first time ever we were called to use a pen to complete our homework. As I was not accustomed to using pens, the margins I drew were always a little bit crooked. The next thing I know - I would tear out the whole page and write on a new one. If I used to much correction tape on that page, I'd tear it without a flicker of hesitation.
In this case, striving for perfection meant that I didn't want to end up embarrassing myself in front of everybody. The one minute speech was a form of impromtu, which left us unprepared for that. I felt insecure and was afraid of not being good enough. Of course, I kept telling myself that nobody there knows me. Even if I said something inappropriate or even something that would probably humiliate myself, nobody will remember what I have said let alone who I am. Let me tell you, oblivion is my biggest fear. Really. But under certain circumstances like this one, how I wish I was granted with oblivion (but not really) :P
Now, let's move on to Panphobia. I actually didn't know such phobia existed. I would have probably thought this phobia is utterly absurd if it wasn't because I had this. My Panphobia is quite severe I would say. When I was a little kid, I was extremely sensitive to noises or sound. In the middle of the night, if there were weird noises coming from downstairs, I would tip toe downstairs, switch on all the lights to see if there was a burglary going on. I could not understand while I have the courage to face the possibility of me being killed by a culprit, I could not ditch Panphobia.
If you guys are an avid reader of my blog, surely you guys would have known that I travelled to Japan on a student exchange program back in year 2012. That was the first time I noticed I have severe Panphobia. I could not stop checking whether my passport, identification card and all those important documents were in my front pouch. I check them for like.. every ten minutes? Or worse, maybe every five minutes averagely. Not exaggerating.
Another incidence was actually quite private.. but I decided to open up. Back then in my final year of secondary school, there was this guy who confessed his affection to me. When I rejected him, he acted like he lost a screw in his brain or something. He kept creating fake accounts on Facebook and started acting all weird. He messaged all my closest friends and even tried to make them believe that I a feigned person and that I was evil or whatever.
He kept having this split personality: sometimes he would beg for my forgiveness, send gifts for me; while other time, he would send me threatening messages and blackmail me. I got really sick of that person, so I decided to talk face to face to him. As I have successfully foreseen, he had not even spoken one true word to me. I didn't want to assume that he did everything but how was I suppose to believe him when he was not even being sincere to me?
That was my last straw. I never ever wanted to hurt anybody but he was the first person I wanted to kill so much >< A barrier was built between him and I - fear (effect of Panphobia). I was turning into a psycho and I literally thought / convinced myself that he installed a camera somewhere in my house. At some point, I even turned all my soft toys away from me so that their big eyes would not be staring at me (again, just in case he installed some weird device in their eyes). A pretty good reference to fear of everything right?
Well, let me know if you guys have similar phobias and if you do, do share with me some of the ways of solving them. I am trying my very best to overcome my phobias. You guys who have phobias out there, whatever the phobia might be, do not try to camouflage or cake up your inner fear because that might only aggravate it. Phobia is not something that we can get rid of so easily. It needs time and courage. Try to figure it out and I'm sure some day we can talk about our phobias and just laugh them off.
Good luck! :) Ta.
