"It has been about two months since you had left us. You left us soundlessly, without a note. The sky didn't even rain. There was nothing but the tranquil sky with patches of grotesque clouds and there weren't even raindrops that indicated bad things might follow. Not even a single crappy metaphor. "
Nobody would ever wanted him to leave us. I can assure that. It just couldn't be him - the funny, out-spoken, silly boy who always made us had a good laugh whenever he was around. Everything was just too sudden. The boy who just made a compliment on my profile picture a few days back then was gone, just like that. I wasn't a Facebook addict, but it just so happened that I signed in my Facebook account on that particular day. I couldn't believe all the status and words that was so overwhelming. I know I weren't that close to him but I really couldn't accept that he had just gone. I mean, life is not like playing computer games. A character can't just die and puff into thin air. Not like that. Not after what he had gone through together with his friends, families, closed ones and loved ones. The bond couldn't really be erased. When I walked solemnly towards his coffin and saw him lying in there without a trace of life, it really made my soul went empty. It was really so hard to accept the fact that someone you've known for your entire life had gone to another world, where there were no vacancies for us.
To endure the pain of losing someone couldn't be that hard, I once thought. You just gotta be brave enough, stop your teardrops from rolling down, put up a brave front and done. Life just goes on. But I was wrong, dead wrong. It wasn't that easy, it was a complicated feeling. It's like watching a person that was once so lively jumping here and there in front of you, sharing secrets with you or singing a song with you just couldn't talk to you anymore. I can't differentiate reality and dreams. He was still there, right in front of me, right in front of us, but there were cuts and bruises on his face, and he wasn't going to talk to us anymore. I felt my throat tightened and there was no way I could control what was going to happen the next second. Teardrops rolled down like raindrops.
I knew that was not what I was suppose to do. I knew he'd want us to be happy, I knew that he'd want to be here for us. But he just couldn't anymore. Perhaps his gibberish speeches around us bugged us for most of the time when he was still alive, perhaps some of his characters were a nuisance to the class when he was still alive, perhaps you'll find his random texts like : "I'm boring now. Can you chat with me?" annoying when he was still alive, but everything had become a luxurious now, after the evening had taken his life away. But of course, nobody would ever dislike him. Anybody, but not him.
Life is like an uncharted water I always say. But no, I don't want it to be this way. I know life is not much of what we can change, and what we are capable of changing is just too little, but it's just too hard for us, for me. Nobody said anything after he was gone, not much words were spoken after he was gone, but the ache in each and every one of his friends' heart were left unspoken. Like now, we don't talk about it every second, every minute of our life. We don't really think about this and get our teardrops rolling like our eyeballs are two infinite pools of water. But this doesn't mean that the pain is gone. This is when my favorite sentence comes in - life is like an uncharted water. So if this challenge is a sea that we've got to swim through, then we've got to learn to survive and overcome the grief.
I know I am a puny girl. Physically puny and mentally puny. I thought I had been able to accept that he had left us forever, but two days ago when I was typing my JCI CUP basketball match committee, I saw his name laying there on the last year's list. My heart ached a little. It was only a year ago, and everything had changed now. But as I said, life is life. We should do what we should have done.
He taught me a lot of things that were never to be bought with money and he had brought us a lot of laughs and happiness. I believe that he belongs to be with sunshine and heaven shall be the place that he would rest in peace. Although we lost him, but he is not forgotten. His presence is still very much felt in our hearts.
We'll be strong for you Pak Seng. It's a promise.
And you know, we would never lie to you.
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