at the beginning of the lockdown, i handled the isolation quite well, mainly because i’m close to my family and i still talk to my close friends on a daily basis. i’m also a huge homebody so honestly staying at home doesn’t really bother me that much.
but the longer we’re being isolated, i feel like everyday passes by in a state of blurred commotion. it’s like we’re just passing time in a limbo and wasting our youth away, burying ourselves in the endless labyrinth of labour... and more labour, succumbing to capitalism.
some days I woke up feeling okay; while some other days I just felt shitty and sad and wanting to burst out in tears for no apparent reason. i'm experiencing emotions that i can't even fathom and it feels like a heavy cloud is growing within me, and the downpour can literally happen anytime.
missing my friends when our special song comes up in my playlist, wishing that the circumstances would be different. allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy that in another life, i would probably be staying over at friend’s place at the weekend, or out at the bar enjoying lady’s night, engaging in frivolous gossips. or driving to my girls’ place in the middle of the night and have all those endless deep conversations where we would end up crying on our pillows because we were laughing too hard.
if i could exchange that ordinary happiness with anything right now, i really would. even if it’s just for a fleeting moment.
on the brighter side, i’ve definitely learned to be more reflective during the lockdown. since the lockdown started, it has definitely given me and i’m sure a lot of us an opportunity to think in introspect. i know this sounds crazy but even my personality switched from extrovert to introvert, which is totally fine by me because i like the company of introverts anyway.
the major takeaway would definitely be my take on relationships. it is so apparent but it really struck me like a lightning during the lockdown that we need to put in work in every relationship to make it work. effort and communication are definitely the key to maintaining healthy relationships, but only when the feeling is mutual and reciprocated.
it’s definitely a challenge cause some of my friends are not huge internet people but the effort and thoughts really matter a lot in times of isolation. it is easy to neglect, cut off or even ghost people, but if it’s something worth fighting for, don’t stop trying.
listen to them even on days when they’re hard to love.
be there for them even on days when they’re hard to love.
love them harder with your heart and soul even on days when they’re hard to love.
when the world is cold towards them, hold them even closer to you and reassure the person that you’ll always be there as a friend, a lover, a family. it’s not an easy time for everyone, so let’s try to be kinder and more understanding towards one another, especially the ones you truly care and love.
also, find things that you enjoy doing because at the end of the day, happiness is what keeps us going. believe it or not, i used to hate doing sports, but i actually found joy in skipping and sweating it out! it makes me feel more healthy and feel good about my own body. someone wise once told me that it takes self-discipline to work out consistently, so that’s what i am going to do with this new-found hobby.
besides, i've also recently got to know a new friend who is one of the kindest and amazing person ever. yes, i'm back on Tinder, don't judge me haha. but i've also deleted my account because connecting with new people and nurturing new relationships require undivided attention and energy, so i'm just going to focus on the one person that i feel that i can really establish a good and healthy relationship with.
it's extremely refreshing to talk to my new friend, especially when we've been living in our cocoon for such a long period of time. he definitely showed me a whole new perspective in life and i feel like we can be really good friends. i've also picked up a new hobby - watching game livestreaming. honestly, i'm not a huge game person, but i started watching because of him and his livestreams with his friends are really funny and entertaining!
anyhow, things may seem stagnant for awhile now, but i hope my story makes you feel hopeful. things always work out in the strangest ways, in God's timing. know that there are still good people and new adventures waiting for you in near future. and when you meet those people and experience those adventures that seem so distant from you now, you will look back in disbelief how insignificant the shitty days are now. you will live the best version of your life and everything will finally make sense.
as for me, i’m feeling better now, this update is just some pent-up emotions since... God knows when, so i needed to vent it out anyway. i find it so hard to put these feelings into words these days, mainly because my writing is rusty and i just can’t seem to find the right words. writing used to bring me so much joy and can’t deny i have been feeling uninspired for some time but sometimes unexpected moments as meeting a new friend or listening to a certain music can be an epiphany to rekindle that spark within just like that.
better days are coming… that’s the only thought we should hold on to. sometimes i feel like a hypocrite trying to preach positivity, and honestly i don't believe in sunshine and butterflies all the time because life is about embracing all the different beautiful emotions, even the negative ones. they're what enriches our life and soul. but everything will get better eventually, this i can assure you. there may be a couple more shitty days until we get there but i hope you find comfort in my words and understand that hope and light will always prevail at the end, even in the darkest days.
until then, keep yourself close to people who feels like sunshine even on rainy days, find simple joy in everything and try your best to stay sane. i hope you enjoyed this the concoction of emotions that has been brewing inside me for awhile now, might not be the sweetest but let’s cheers to life anyway xx
love, j.
